XYZ

Clueless in Denver

In the vein of really dumb things I’ve done comes this little anecdote from the ‘80’s. Yes, last century for those of you keeping track.

My wife and I were dating and living in the Vail Valley of Colorado. A lot of us had T-shirts that read, Never Trust Anyone That Lives Below 8700’. We also had Beaver Liquors shirts from a local liquor store. I think I still have one in a drawer. Here in Minnesota, there used to be a liquor store/gun shop combo called, Bob’s Booze & Bullets, in Emily MN, but the Yuppies bought lake homes around there and made them change the name, cause I guess some folks got offended or something. Bob’s Sports & Spirits sorta conveys the same message, just more apologetically or politically correct. In my mind, change isn’t always better.

Back to Colorado. Living off I-70 about three hours or more from, “the big city under the brown cloud”, which we called Denver, we didn’t get there much. I was playing in a softball tournament in Littleton, CO. An opportunity to shop at a mall was sorta interesting and grabbing a meal someplace you’d never eaten before had a novelty that was hard to explain. I believe we lost our game 4 - 1. I had a standup double, but that really wasn’t what made the day memorable.

After the game, I’d changed in the van. I took off all my sweaty, grass, and dirt, stained clothes and went what is commonly called ‘commando’. My favorite jeans at the time were Sedgefields. I remember the thighs having more room and I tended not to bust the seems on the outside of the legs like I did in my then, not yet trendy and still affordable Levi’s 501’s I’d worn most of my life. At any rate, they were comfy, but they had a flaw that was simple to miss when you were busy with other things. I think there were six of us that went to eat after the game. Then my not yet wife wanted to hit a women’s store in a mall. Sounds pleasant and benign enough, right? The two of us took my van to the mall. She went to the women’s clothing store while I wandered. She was looking for a new bra. I remember my entire walk around the mall took less than 45 minutes and most of that was spent in a big chain book store that no longer exists and all the time it took me to get a large Orange Julius. It was a treat and was one of the highlights of the trip.

In less than an hour, I’d seen all I wanted to see in a mall. Now I’d seen my wife get up, get dressed, and be out the door in less than twenty minutes. I figured her buying an article of clothing or two wouldn’t be that big a deal. We’d agreed to meet at a bench in the mall about the time I made it there. Of her, there was no sign, so I sat and waited. Sometime later, I saw her beckon me from the store entrance. As I approached I noticed she had a couple items on hangers. She asked me to wait while she tried on a couple more things so she could show me. We walked into the store and she went into a changing room. Now remember, She could be up, dressed, and out the door in a flash. In my mind, this wouldn’t take long. I think I understand the female of the species a little better now. I was gonna get an education that afternoon and I’m probably lucky I wasn’t arrested.

After what seemed to me to be a really long time, she came out of the changing room in an outfit that if I’m honest, didn’t make much of an impression on me. If I’m being really honest, I was in my 20’s and as far as I was concerned, the less she wore the better. Yeah, I get it. Men are pigs. I own my part in every ogling I’ve taken part in. I have a deep appreciation for the female form, in all its designs. Not gonna apologize, it’s just the way I’m wired. She told me she would be trying a couple other things and still hadn’t decided on a bra. I was confused. For me, clothes shopping usually involved looking at a size on a tag, deciding it would work, paying, and going. She’d now been trying things on for over an hour and had yet to make a decision. It felt like twenty minutes more before she came out in another set of clothes and asked what I thought. At that point I’d taken to parking my butt against a “Clearance” table of women’s panties. Nothing over $3.99. In the time I loitered there a few women had walked passed. I’d smile and move away if I thought they were heading for my perch. In three of the four occasions, I got really nasty looks. A possible snort of derision, and hasty retreats by the women that wandered near. When I thought no one was looking, I actually raised and arm and sniffed a pit, believing that’s what had caused those reactions. When I told her she looked great in whatever she wore I received an exasperated sigh and a promise to be right back. As she strode toward the fitting room, another woman passed and angrily declared,

”You’re disgusting!”

I was confused and a little annoyed. Yes, I needed a shower, but I’d had one the night before. I mean it wasn’t like I hadn’t been acquainted with a bar of soap for over a month. If I remember correctly, after the game, several of us had kinda rinsed in a nearby creek. It had been a really warm day. After a couple of minutes I resumed my perch on the discount undies table, crossed my arms and began to get impatient.

I glanced around and noticed a few women near the front of the store staring at me. I gotta admit, given the behavior directed my way the half hour or so, I was getting a bit uncomfortable. Paranoid even.

I was trying to decide how much trouble I might be in if I left the store and just waited on the bench nearby. By this time I’d had enough of being in a mall. I pretty much decided I was going to leave and let her figure out where I went when she came walking down the aisle of the store in something that actually got my attention. I guess my jaw dropped. She hit me with that smile that still makes my heart do the Texas Two-Step and she says, “Hey Fuzzy, your barn door’s open.”

”Huh?” was the best I could manage.

”Your fly’s down dummy!’

I really didn’t want to take my eyes off her, but tumblers in my head were starting to fall into place. The nasty looks, the comments. I checked. It was. I fixed it and mumbled, “Get that for sure. I’ll meet you in the van.”

Sometimes I’m completely clueless. I’m told it can be charming sometimes. Though I guess at moments it can be kinda creepy. I kept my eye on the rearview mirror all the way back to Avon.

I still check before leaving the house all these years later. And tonight she gave me that smile again. My heart works.